Fuck Yeah Conspiracies

putthison:

Steven Hitchcock shows off one of his high armholes. Such armholes will allow you to lift up your arms without moving the rest of your coat. As Steven writes, “You will be in control of the coat not the other way around.”
Of course, there are other things that facilitate a comfort and movement, and it’s best not to get too fixated on armholes alone. However, whether you’re buying off-the-rack or getting something custom-made, it’s important to lift your arms a bit to see if you have a good fitting jacket. You don’t just stand in front of mirrors all day, after all, you move.
For a very interesting read about Fred Astaire’s armholes, which are kind of legendary among bespoke enthusiasts, check out this interesting article by Kerry Goodrich. Sometimes photos like this are posted when the topic of movement comes up, but as Goodrich explains, there are important trade-offs.

I can always count on Put This On to explain this kind of stuff so I can actually understand WHY my clothes do or don’t work.

Steven Hitchcock shows off one of his high armholes. Such armholes will allow you to lift up your arms without moving the rest of your coat. As Steven writes, “You will be in control of the coat not the other way around.”

Of course, there are other things that facilitate a comfort and movement, and it’s best not to get too fixated on armholes alone. However, whether you’re buying off-the-rack or getting something custom-made, it’s important to lift your arms a bit to see if you have a good fitting jacket. You don’t just stand in front of mirrors all day, after all, you move.

For a very interesting read about Fred Astaire’s armholes, which are kind of legendary among bespoke enthusiasts, check out this interesting article by Kerry Goodrich. Sometimes photos like this are posted when the topic of movement comes up, but as Goodrich explains, there are important trade-offs.

I can always count on Put This On to explain this kind of stuff so I can actually understand WHY my clothes do or don’t work.

It is the week of grandmother stories. I told just a few friends that I run this blog and every pal with an alien encounter comes out of the woodwork. Aside from the hilarious probing stories told in jest, most of these discussions are tedious and make me doubt my friendships. A friend maintains that a relative of theirs had an alien encounter. My friend Val told me that her grandfather was certain that there was an alien landing in South America in the 1940s. Again she tried to convince me some random proof that she had kept from her grandfather. She sent me the following news clipping: The clip is from the newspaper El Universo dated Sunday, February 12, 1949. Roughly translated the newspaper says: There have been several reports of flying objects around the city of Quito (the capital of Ecuador). Civilians repot having seen objects that do not appear to airplanes, flying through the sky. Astronomers have also noted an increase in objects in the sky. Some people have speculated that these objects could be flying saucers, but astronomers state that they can neither confirm nor deny these claims. I read this article several times, and although my Spanish is a bit rusty, nowhere does this article actually confirm an alien landing. It’s very nice of Val to support her grandfather’s claims, but this isn’t really enough to change my stance. I guess that I’ll just have to see it to believe it.

It is the week of grandmother stories. I told just a few friends that I run this blog and every pal with an alien encounter comes out of the woodwork. Aside from the hilarious probing stories told in jest, most of these discussions are tedious and make me doubt my friendships. A friend maintains that a relative of theirs had an alien encounter. My friend Val told me that her grandfather was certain that there was an alien landing in South America in the 1940s. Again she tried to convince me some random proof that she had kept from her grandfather. She sent me the following news clipping:

The clip is from the newspaper El Universo dated Sunday, February 12, 1949.
Roughly translated the newspaper says:

There have been several reports of flying objects around the city of Quito (the capital of Ecuador). Civilians repot having seen objects that do not appear to airplanes, flying through the sky. Astronomers have also noted an increase in objects in the sky. Some people have speculated that these objects could be flying saucers, but astronomers state that they can neither confirm nor deny these claims.

I read this article several times, and although my Spanish is a bit rusty, nowhere does this article actually confirm an alien landing. It’s very nice of Val to support her grandfather’s claims, but this isn’t really enough to change my stance. I guess that I’ll just have to see it to believe it.

Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve had kind of a weird few weeks in my family. I may get to that tomorrow. Anyway, another of my favorite conspiracies involves crop circles. I have always maintained that people create them, but recently I someone tried to convince me otherwise. It always fascinated me how deep crop circle theories are. Apparently they are made through either sound or other types of energy waves. The proof that man does not create them stems from the fact that the vegetation is bent and not broken. I believe that this supposes that humans do not know how to bend plants. The crop circles are usually not circles at all, but are more often ellipses. The designs tend to be linked to mathematical and musical theories. So, we can assume that if anyone is trying to communicate with us through these crop circles, that they like telling us things we already know. An acquaintance tried to convince me of their authenticity with stories from her great-grandmother. Her great- grandmother told stories of having seen lights above a field at night and then finding a crop circle in the morning. She even went so far as to send me a copy of a picture that her great- grandmother had in England. The photo is dated November of 1898. No offense to anyone’s great- grandmother, but there has been plenty of cases where the public discovers that certain crop circles are hoaxes and people have come forward to admit their involvement in creating crop circles.

Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve had kind of a weird few weeks in my family. I may get to that tomorrow. Anyway, another of my favorite conspiracies involves crop circles. I have always maintained that people create them, but recently I someone tried to convince me otherwise. It always fascinated me how deep crop circle theories are. Apparently they are made through either sound or other types of energy waves. The proof that man does not create them stems from the fact that the vegetation is bent and not broken. I believe that this supposes that humans do not know how to bend plants. The crop circles are usually not circles at all, but are more often ellipses. The designs tend to be linked to mathematical and musical theories. So, we can assume that if anyone is trying to communicate with us through these crop circles, that they like telling us things we already know.
An acquaintance tried to convince me of their authenticity with stories from her great-grandmother. Her great- grandmother told stories of having seen lights above a field at night and then finding a crop circle in the morning. She even went so far as to send me a copy of a picture that her great- grandmother had in England. The photo is dated November of 1898. No offense to anyone’s great- grandmother, but there has been plenty of cases where the public discovers that certain crop circles are hoaxes and people have come forward to admit their involvement in creating crop circles.

We are on the verge of a global transformation. All we need is the right major crisis and the nations will accept the New World Order

-David Rockefeller

And with those words were launched about 1000 crazy ass conspiracy theories. There have been dozens of secret societies through history that have been theorized to secretly control the world, the illuminati, the skull and bones, the !? Society. But by far the most intriguing today is the New World Order conspiracy.

I must admit I find something rather comforting about the idea that a secret organization is in control of all world events. There’s something rather comforting in the prospect that in all of the chaos out there in the world there is actually, secretly, order. Even if it’s a new world order that’s at least order and I can see the appeal.

What I’ve never understood is the need for needless complexity on top of that. Why is nobody ever satisfied just with the notion that the rich elites secretly control everything behind the scenes and orchestrate everything with perfect, watch-like precision. It can’t just be that though it has to be some Byzantine combination plot between rich industrialists and the federal reserve (Can somebody explain to me why the federal reserve in particular gets so much crazy? It can’t just be the combination of the money and the government, you don’t see people talking about how the IRS is going to take over the world.) and the illuminati in combination with Osama Bin Laden or something. Or they’re all in it together and they’re Lizardmen.

Oh christ the Lizardmen. Actually I guess properly they’re called Reptilians but you know what I’m not going to dignify such an insane freaking idea with such a boring name, they’re lizardmen. People actually believe the world is controlled by lizardmen that come either from the center of the earth and have advanced technology that lets them visit space or that come from space and have advanced technology that lets them live in the center of the earth nobody seems to be able to nail that down.

Want to know the absolute best part about the reptilian conspiracy theory? It’s one of the few conspiracy theories whose starting date sets it up pretty definitively as the result of a pop-cultural phenomenon. The lizardmen conspiracy started showing up just after the original V series gained popularity. Know what the evil aliens plotting to take over the Earth on V looked like?

Shocking twist they looked exactly like the dudes in the lizardmen conspiracy. This is basically like if a bunch of nerds got together and thought that the Klingons were going to take over the Earth except nobody actually watched their stupid show so the conspiracy community bought it. On that note I have some really interesting conspiracy theories I’d like to kick around based on the failed Joss Whedon series Firefly. I feel like we could get some real traction with that audience size.

I think that in the wide world of conspiracies the most fun are probably the celebrity conspiracies because they sorta matter the least. Don’t get me wrong I am sad when famous people die just as I am sad when anybody dies but nobody created a murder conspiracy when my grandmother died and that’s because not enough people knew her to attract the real crazies you need for a conspiracy theory.
So there are really two variations on the celebrity death conspiracy. The first, depressing version is conspiracies where a celebrity death was actually secretly a murder and these are usually kinda ho-hum. Hendrix’s manager killed him for the insurance money or Kurt Cobain was secretly murdered (I’ve never really been clear on who murdered him in that theory.) Things get slightly more interesting, as they always do, when the CIA gets involved as they apparently killed Bob Marley and John Lennon to keep anti-government sympathies from getting out of control. An evil plan which has clearly worked perfectly.
Much more fun are the ones where dead celebrities are secretly alive and just faked their own death to get away from the pressures of fame for the care-free lifestyle of someone who is constantly forced to live off the radar as they have faked their own death and look exactly like that celebrity that died. There are an awful lot of these (Tupac, Andy Kaufman, Michael Jackson) and I like to imagine they all like…hang out and play bridge somewhere.
But the grand-daddy of all celebrity death conspiracies has got to be Elvis. You Know how crazy the Elvis Conspiracy theory is? Even people out to disprove it are crazy. There are so many variations on the Elvis conspiracy that it’s sorta mind-boggling. Versions where he faked his own death and is still alive today, versions where he faked his own death but then died sometime later and people know where his real grave is, versions with Elvis’s twin brother that died in child birth which is a real thing that actually happened.
In fact, and I really don’t mean to hate on Elvis too much because he always seemed like a nice guy with some good songs. But you kinda have to wonder what exactly it is about Elvis that makes him the temporal nexus of crazy fans who think he’s still alive. I dunno maybe it just snowballed? Like everybody started joking about it and then takes it seriously or something?

I think that in the wide world of conspiracies the most fun are probably the celebrity conspiracies because they sorta matter the least. Don’t get me wrong I am sad when famous people die just as I am sad when anybody dies but nobody created a murder conspiracy when my grandmother died and that’s because not enough people knew her to attract the real crazies you need for a conspiracy theory.

So there are really two variations on the celebrity death conspiracy. The first, depressing version is conspiracies where a celebrity death was actually secretly a murder and these are usually kinda ho-hum. Hendrix’s manager killed him for the insurance money or Kurt Cobain was secretly murdered (I’ve never really been clear on who murdered him in that theory.) Things get slightly more interesting, as they always do, when the CIA gets involved as they apparently killed Bob Marley and John Lennon to keep anti-government sympathies from getting out of control. An evil plan which has clearly worked perfectly.

Much more fun are the ones where dead celebrities are secretly alive and just faked their own death to get away from the pressures of fame for the care-free lifestyle of someone who is constantly forced to live off the radar as they have faked their own death and look exactly like that celebrity that died. There are an awful lot of these (Tupac, Andy Kaufman, Michael Jackson) and I like to imagine they all like…hang out and play bridge somewhere.

But the grand-daddy of all celebrity death conspiracies has got to be Elvis. You Know how crazy the Elvis Conspiracy theory is? Even people out to disprove it are crazy. There are so many variations on the Elvis conspiracy that it’s sorta mind-boggling. Versions where he faked his own death and is still alive today, versions where he faked his own death but then died sometime later and people know where his real grave is, versions with Elvis’s twin brother that died in child birth which is a real thing that actually happened.

In fact, and I really don’t mean to hate on Elvis too much because he always seemed like a nice guy with some good songs. But you kinda have to wonder what exactly it is about Elvis that makes him the temporal nexus of crazy fans who think he’s still alive. I dunno maybe it just snowballed? Like everybody started joking about it and then takes it seriously or something?

Welcome

Hello and welcome. Since I was a little kid I have always been fascinated by conspiracy theories and I used to read about them voraciously when I was little. And as I got older I continued to be fascinated by conspiracy theories only now it was more about how stupid they were. After regaling my friends with one too many drunken run throughs of the magic bullet theory somebody finally suggested that I blurt out all these ramblings here on Tumblr and I thought I’d give it a try. I figured I’d start with celebrity death conspiracies tomorrow. Those are always fun.